WHY ME? (2)

It's about time for another episode of Why Me? Not to commiserate with misfortune and bad luck, but to see there is no misfortune, only lessons to learn on the way to finally "getting it."
This week I thought I'd write about broken dreams, promises unkept. It seems when you are young you still believe anything is possible, and then as you get older...you get frustrated maybe even depressed that life is not the bowl of opportunity you expected.
When I was in High School I had big dreams...broadway, lights, Hollywood. Huge dreams for a girl in Oklahoma who didn't even know another actor. This dream was sooo huge, I felt it was bigger than me. So in time and with enough negative belief, I closed the door on that dream and myself. I couldn't bear to lose it...so I walked out on it before it could walk out on me. This never made sense to me on a conscious level so I assigned another excuse to it...I can always act, so I'll go to speech therapy school...that way I won't have to wait tables my whole life.
uh-huh.
But deep beneath the surface was the truth; I was scared out of my mind and I didn't think much of myself or my abilities. I was reading this last night: "Wants are about the most frightening, misunderstood, neglected element in the entire human race, and I'd lay odds that, for most people, just thinking about them is more terrifying that a dentists's chair without painkillers....most of us lay those passions aside as we trudge into the dogmatic Shoulds and Have To's of adulthood...and there we stay, in the bleak sactuary of Sameville, protected by the erroneous belief that if we dream small and nothing happens, we won't be hurt big. Dear God in heaven, what a way we've chosen to live."
Ouch.
My "Why Me?" was living a life away from my passion and desires and feeling the blandness of safety. I had years of Why Me. This was my choice that I made. I stepped toward the safe side instead of venturing out into the world of possibility. What a lesson to learn. It's about courage, perserverance, and belief. I never knew that your dreams could scare you. I didn't know that was "normal", so I took the fear as doubt and ran with it.
In the last few years as an adult I have given myself permission to seek out the nature of my dreams today. Acting? Maybe...spiritual teaching? Oh yeah!
I've always had trouble with creating vision boards...you know, those big poster boards with cut out magazine words, pictures, glitter to make it fabulous. It's supposed to represent your dreams and your life. I always felt like such a fraud doing those. I'd look at them and it never felt real because I still had not given myself permission to dream.
I made one last night.
I have a dream.
It's a beautiful thing.

Angela