Tuesday, February 12, 2008

The Greatest Love

True power is about loving and accepting yourself without requiring anything of yourself. It‘s for free. For years I struggled to do something, to be something, to achieve anything. I needed the approval of others and it was a slow moving noose getting tighter around my neck.
Growing up in a large family, I made an identity out of achievement and grand behavior. It was a skill that granted me attention and fulfilled my goal of not causing waves for my over extended parents. I never wanted to be a burden, in any way. It went as far as not feeling worthy of existence at times. I felt apologetic for anything I needed. Temper tantrums and demands were so outside of my comprehension I literally couldn’t fathom the act of self assertion. I’m not sure when I developed this incessant demand toward self neglect, but as I grew and developed into an adult, I knew I had to learn the art of expression and courage if I was to ever experience a sense of peace and happiness.
In my twenties, I worked on academic and career achievement continuing an identity I created in youth. It was truly exhausting because what I really needed and what I ultimately experienced were miles apart. Later I found my true happiness was in being with my children. But in my mind it wasn’t spectacular enough. It couldn’t give me a sense of intellectual superiority. This was because my perspective was askew and I hadn’t realized what true inspiration and commitment motherhood held. I couldn’t merge what my soul needed and what my ego required; so I suffered. I tortured myself with all the “shoulds” that life presented. I should be financially independent, I should be specializing in this or that, I should be working my way up the career ladder. What I didn’t realize at the time was that all of life is about perspective. It is never about the situation at hand. How I decided to see myself or any situation was within my control and it changed my life when I began to change the rules of my life.
In my thirties, I finally made peace with the fact that I needed to stay home with my children, for them as much for me. Sure, I felt egoic twinges from time to time, but my need to meet my soul’s desire outweighed my ego’s call to work and do something outside of bottles and fruit loops. It took years for me to experience guilt-free the joy of being a mother. When I embraced my life, I felt contentment. It hasn’t always been easy once I decided to follow my bliss, but I have never questioned whether I was placing my attention on the right thing for me. I was free of needing to prove myself, making excuses, and keeping up with whomever I felt I need to keep up with. As I walked my path, life nourished me when I needed it. Life brought me gifts along the way. It’s the Universe’s way of patting me on the back for choosing me, not egomaniac me, but the spirit that just wants to be and experience life. My power expanded when I accepted myself. I no longer needed someone else’s advice or society’s approval. I was okay if I never impressed another soul and for an achievement junky like me…that was miraculous. After a step toward wholeness, we are pushed and prodded toward really appreciating who we really are. I cannot believe how I once ignored myself, how I put myself down for mistakes, how I never saw the real me. This, I believe, is what God had in mind for creation, not the lower than thou thinking of the past. It’s what we would want for our own children, why wouldn’t the Divine want the same? We are wonders of the Universe and until we can see that, we will continue to suffer and never grasp our true power.
I embrace this power because it is freedom. It liberates me from excuses and from a life less desired. My life is completely my own and it is a beautiful mosaic of what I believe. Life becomes abundant with possibility when we allow it to be. When we own our power, we move forward into our bliss. It is really that simple…loving and appreciating ourselves. Life began with you and it will end with you. When you find the greatest love within, you become unlimited Divine potential. The world is ready for you…